It started with a dream. I was nineteen years old and at the beginning of a downward spiral towards an identity crisis. I was engaged to the man who is now my husband but also struggling with same sex attraction. Everyday I woke up with confusion and pain. I didn't want these feelings, I didn't want these attractions, but I didn't see any other way out. Yes, I was aware of God and I knew His scripture spoke about making a way out of any temptation but I felt as though this situation was impossible. Looking back, I realize I didn't even try to give God a chance to prove that scripture to be true. But then it happened. The dream. I can't tell you the date I had this dream, but I can tell you it changed my life forever. One night I closed my eyes and the next morning I knew I was holding onto something of extreme importance and value. It didn't feel like a whimsical dream but rather a prophecy waiting to be fulfilled. Even in the midst of my darkness, I saw this dream as a shining light. A beacon of hope.
In my dream, I found myself in a hospital room, holding a baby boy. He was swaddled in a blanket and I was in complete awe of him. Up to this point in my life, children were not "my thing." I didn't take to children very well (that's putting it lightly) and the idea of being a mother not only terrified me, but it didn't appeal to me in the slightest. I had absolutely no desire of being a mother. Yet, in this dream, I felt a love unlike any I have ever experienced. I looked at this baby boy in my arms and if my heart was capable of bursting into a billion pieces, it would have. I was undeniably in love with this tiny human. But what was his name? I wasn't sure, so in my dream, I asked the question out loud... "God, what is his name?" and I heard His reply... "Asher Sage Weese"
I heard the voice of the Lord so clear and His words dove straight into the depths of my heart. While I looked back down at my son, it suddenly shifted into a new image. I was sitting in the front seat of a car with my boyfriend but in the dream he was now my husband. I looked over at my husband and smiled before looking towards the back. In the backseat, near the left side window was a little boy who looked to be two years old. His hair was a dark auburn and it was the length of a mother refusing to cut her sons hair because she's in denial of him growing up. His eyes were blue and they were staring out the car window, looking at the scenery moving by in wonder. I stared at my son, Asher, and I wanted to see what he saw. The way he took in the outside images was mesmerizing. It seemed as though he could view the world in a way that I wanted to see for myself. I will never forget that look nor will I forget the serenity in his eyes.
As I continued to look at my little boy, the dream once again shifted. Now I was an older woman. My hands were wrinkled and I moved a bit slower. I found myself in a large auditorium with stadium seating as I made my way onto the front row on the left side. I watched as the room slowly filled with hundreds of people from all different ethnicities and backgrounds. Once the room reached full capacity, a man walked onto the stage and started to preach the Word of God. He was handsome and the dark auburn hair was now completely brown and the length was much shorter this time. Yet, his eyes remained the same. He looked at the crowd of people with that look of wonder I previously saw and I was captivated by it all the same. Slowly, the man on stage began to walk to the left side while preaching and then it happened. My son, Asher, saw me. Once our eyes connected, I saw his mouth break into a small smile before turning to walk back towards the middle of the platform. My heart was warm, my smile beamed with pride, and I watched as my son did what he so obviously loved to do. I watched as Asher inspired people with hope using the words He grew to love because of a relationship with God and I was an extremely proud mother. The dream ended and I woke up feeling saddened at the realization it was over. But I also felt something I had never imagined myself to feel in regards of motherhood... I was content. I found myself content at the idea of being a mother and what that would all entail. Why? Because I saw my son, Asher, and I tasted the unconditional love of a mother. Somewhere deep within myself, I was content with the idea of that season taking place in my life one day.
However, my life continued to spiral out of control until I eventually left my marriage, hopes, and dreams. But even in the midst of me identifying as a lesbian, walking away from my marriage and God, I still kept Asher close to my heart. My family and friends knew about Asher and the dream I had. I spoke about him as though he was already here. The dream was six years removed when I found myself in New York City, living a lesbian lifestyle, and attempting to kill myself. I was in the most depressed state I had ever been in and I was running out of options on how to fix it. I refused to acknowledge God and you can read my blog titled "Shadows" for further details of that experience . As I laid there wanting to end my life, the Lord asked me "at the end of your life, who do you want holding your hand?" and there was two names that I spoke out loud "Jeremy and Asher." I wanted my husband and my son. I wanted my dream to stop being a dream and to finally become a reality. I wanted Jesus to come in, cleanse me, and make me new. I wanted a new beginning, one that would include me becoming a mother. Through the course of healing, counseling, and restoration of my marriage, that dream became reality on March 11th, 2020. God gave me a dream when I was 19 and it came to fruition 8 years later. Only God can write a story like that, and yes, I did name my beautiful baby boy, my son, Asher.
Asher Sage Weese Asher // Happy, blessed, fortunate Sage // Wise, knowing, prophet