I can’t begin to wrap my mind around all the hoops I have jumped through lately. I feel as though I am running a race that is entirely uphill. I won’t lie to you and say that I haven’t felt like giving up. Quite the opposite is true. I have wrestled with God and have asked the question “why?” more times than I can count. I have found myself in the fetal position sobbing and wondering when relief will come. As I said before, life has been tough. The season I am currently in has been crushing, yet I refuse to give up, give in, and allow the enemy to have his way.
It is amazing the parallels you discover between yourself and God once you have a child. The Holy Spirit presented one of those parallels the other day. I was having a difficult day. A lot of responsibilities, hard truths, and fear had landed in my lap. I was struggling with juggling all of my emotions and feelings. I kept asking God “why is this happening to me? When are you going to solve all this? When are you going to grant me some relief? Why are you not helping me?” I asked all the questions that maybe you have asked before! Maybe youve been in a rough situation and didn’t see any resolve in sight. I know what that feels like, I’m sure several people can relate.
I didn’t hear an audible response in return to any of my questions. I didn’t feel anything rush through me and bring comfort. The day went on as usual and my constant uphill climb continued. My son Asher eventually needed a diaper change. Diaper changes in our home is an Olympic sport. It takes every ounce of energy I have to control Ash just enough so I can wipe him and put a new diaper on. The boy doesn’t make it easy in the slightest. In fact, in all accounts, Asher acts as though it’s the end of the world. He will scream, cry, thrash, kick, and every other body function he can perform in order to escape from what he sees as imminent doom.
As I was wrestling my son out of a #2 diaper (yeah try and picture that) I said to him “son I am just trying to help you. You don’t want to sit in this, I’m trying to get you out of it, you just have to be patient with me. It takes time.” The moment I spoke these words, my heart found its way into my throat as tears came to my eyes. Immediately I felt the Holy Spirit touch my heart and my own words resonated within me. Very quickly, I saw the Father’s heart towards me and the season I was finding myself in.
The Lord hasn’t left me. In fact, He is closer than He has ever been. God has been right beside me as I’ve been running uphill. His eyes have never overlooked me, but they’ve been fixed on me. The Lord showed me in that moment with Asher that He is doing a work that I can’t see or begin to comprehend. Just like Asher can’t comprehend that I am doing him a great service by changing his diaper, I can’t comprehend what the Lord is doing as I struggle. He is doing a work that is greater than anything I can fathom, but like I told Asher, it takes time.
What lessons do I need to learn in this season that I wouldn’t grasp if I received an immediate fix? How would I see the goodness of God if I demanded that He move when I said He needed to? How would I develop Godly character through trial if I am constantly fast forwarding through the process? We often read the scripture that talks about the testing of our faith produces steadfastness.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4
Steadfastness: loyalty in the face of trouble and difficulty.
I never want to read this scripture and not apply it to my life. I want my relationship with God to show the strength and determination to continue forward in steadfastness. I want to show loyalty in the face of opposition and trial. I want the Lord to know that whatever may come my way, I will trust in His plan for my life and I won’t waver when adversity strikes. My emotions and feelings want to dictate my next course of action and how I will handle seasons where I am walking through a valley. I refuse to allow my emotions to have so much say so in my life. Instead, I want to trust in the process and believe in my heart that the Lord knows what He is doing. He has a far better plan in place for my turmoil than I could conjure up. So I will stop kicking, screaming, and clawing against Him, but instead I will choose to rest in His arms and trust that He has my good in mind.
God knows what He is doing.
Read that again.
God knows what He is doing and He has a plan for the season you find yourself in.